You’ve got to laugh at the referendum!
ONLY the BBC could do a show in Glasgow about the break-up of the Union and give it an orange background!
Comedian Frankie Boyle has never been known to mince his words.
"I think Scotland should be an independent country because we are a unique nation. We’re the only nation in the world where we do travel reviews in alcohol prices. How was Prague? How was it – £1.30 for a litre of vodka!"
Live at the Referendum showcased the irreverent thoughts of five of the UK’s leading comedians. It was very much a case of "to see ourselves as ithers see us".
The show’s host Kevin Bridges also liked the idea of being a "proper foreign country".
The prospect of messing around with time zones had an especial appeal. "9am every Friday the clocks move forwards eight hours. Who would stop us? It’s our country!" 9pm Sunday they go back eight hours… You catch his drift.
Another benefit would be that as a foreign country we could get our own plug sockets. "Big six prongers" (they could double up as violent weapons). "It would also be an ideal way to kickstart the country’s economy by selling our new plug sockets to unsuspecting tourists at airports"… The audience was in stitches.
Currency union? Who cares! "We could launch our own smackeroonies. We might end up in a recession", Bridges conceded, "but never a depression." Imagine when the International Monetary Fund announced the independent nation of Scotland had national debt running at 200 billion smackeroonies – you’d have to laugh!
Hal Cruttenden, a seemingly camp comic from the home counties, empathised with the historical divides that existed between the Scots and their neighbours (well, the English actually). He had married a Belfast girl and knew all about sectarianism. Although, back home, the main bone of contention in his community was the enduring Audi / Volvo split.
He was in no doubt England needed its own national anthem, preferably a Pet Shop Boys’ version of Always On My Mind.
Maybe I didn’t treat you
Quite as good as I should have…
The curmudgeonly Jack Dee had been invited on to the show at the behest of Alex Salmond (he claimed) to remind the audience of all the things they’d miss if they went independent…
He stressed he was impartial and didn’t mind what happened one way or the other "disastrous independent way".
"I’m easy," he insisted. Although he worried we may end up like North and South Korea. All the English would travel to the border and look at us miserable Scots through binoculars. He imagined a post-referendum totalitarian state where we would all be forced (Kim Jong-un style) to wear Alex Salmond haircuts…
Comedienne Kerry Godliman found the entire referendum campaign too confusing. "I can’t form an opinion when I go shopping," she confessed. She reckoned, though, that an independent Scotland "could be amazing". The Scots, she had always found, were an eternally optimistic nation "because they buy garden furniture".
Frankie Boyle admitted most Scots worried about the prospect of economic uncertainty – especially whether we would get to retain Poundland. He reckoned Glasgow could emulate Switzerland and lure people to the bleak industrial wastelands at Bellshill where euthanasia centres could be set up. A place so depressing that the queues would be so long, people would end up dying of natural causes!
But the best thing about being pro-independent, Boyle conceded, was the half dozen tweets he got every day from people telling him he didn’t understand economics. All of them from Rangers fans… All telling him he was "110 per cent wrong".
In a tender moment with the audience, Jack Dee shared a love song he had written just for the occasion. It was meant to heal the discord between England and Scotland and was called Sorry We Got on Your Tits.
We’ve been together for so long now
We had the occasional row
Like Bannockburn, but I’m over that now
I’m over that now.
There’s no use in pointing fingers
Some may call it Scottish whingers
Not me!
Because I’d be cross too
If I was naturally ginger.
Thank you for the laughs we’ve had
Over the years
It won’t be the same if you disappear
If you stay we’ll be chuffed to bits
And if you go
We’re sorry we got on your tits!
They do say laughter is the best medicine.
The great thing about comedy is the way it can expose all the absurdity in issues we can all get caught up in and take way too seriously. It’s great, too, for taking the heat out of the moment.
I did a quick Google search and came up with this definition on the benefits of humour (yes, it’s American so please use an appropriate accent): "Laughter is a powerful antidote to stress, pain, and conflict. Nothing works faster or more dependably to bring your mind and body back into balance than a good laugh. Humour lightens your burdens, inspires hopes, connects you to others, and keeps you grounded, focused, and alert."
I am not quite sure that is how Frankie Boyle or Kevin Bridges would describe it!
Still, after the referendum when, hopefully, we will all be living in an independent Scotland, we will still have access to the colour orange (with all its enduring associations with sectarian conflict), the BBC, Jack Dee, big six prong electric sockets, smackeroonies, Poundland and even the Pet Shop Boys.
You gotta laugh.