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‘Once I fit that new battery it’s Warp Factor 9 for me’





Dan Mackay has a confession to make…
Dan Mackay has a confession to make…

IT was all my fault! I admit full responsibility. Please, everyone, accept my sincere apologies.

I had only wanted to charge my motorcycle battery. Yes, I know it’s 10 years old and I’ve had my money’s worth. But I learnt my motorbiking from the Caithness Classic Motorcycle Club members who throw nothing away and can recycle just about anything.

So, I’ve had my battery on a trickle charge for days now. And not a cheep on the meter reading. That’s when I called on the expertise of Tritonthrasher who came down to my gaff with a voltmeter and another charger.

We opted for Warp Factor 9 just to kick ass. And that’s when the lights blew and the whole town was plunged into darkness. Actually, from what they’ve been saying on the news, practically the entire country was blacked out, leaving 205,000 homes without any electricity.

A massive area from the Western Isles to Moray and as far north as the Orkney Islands went without power for up to three hours.

Apparently, a helicopter has been out scouring the power lines between Inverness and Elgin looking for a fault. Who knows, maybe a bird strike or a lightning flash, they reckon. At least it got them off my case!

Not that it bothered me too much at the time. Didn’t I have my own wind-up radio? Cool technology, or what. Actually the latter. Apart from the endless static – sounded a bit like someone frying bacon – all I could tune into were muttering Germans and mad jazz players. Neither my cup of tea.

I did hear an Axl Rose version of Live and Let Die which I thought was pretty cool. There was a Blondie track as I twiddled somewhere on FM and news of Everton’s surprise 3-2 defeat at home to Crystal Palace. Their hopes of securing a place in the UEFA Champions League took a serious knock, so the pundits reckon.

With the street lights off, and houses plunged into an eerie silence, I did pick up a few stray texts from my daughters. Ruth and Dave had just sat down to watch a DVD box set of the American crime drama Breaking Bad. Not for long, though!

"I officially have every candle I own lit," Kirsty told me in a mild panic. Alison was less circumspect: "OMG power cut. I’m terrified. Aghh."

Me, I tried to play guitar in the dark, or rather by torch light from my mariner’s battery lamp. With no amp distortion or special effects do I really sound that bad?!

It was St Magnus Day, I reassured myself. And no mere coincidence that on this very day April 16, 1117 (almost 1000 years ago) the earl of Orkney was lured to a peace conference on the island of Egilsay (by his scheming cousin Hakon).

Plans to call a truce and find a peaceful resolution to their feuding factions were laid to one side in preference of the dastardly Hakon’s covert plan to do away with his power rival. Magnus, the saintly martyr, offered himself to his executioner’s axe. "There was a blinding flash of metal in the sun" …and the foul deed was done. His ultimate sacrifice would herald a new era of peace in the islands.

Ironic to think that St Magnus Cathedral in Kirkwall – some call it "the light in the north" – would have been plunged into darkness on the anniversary of the occasion which ultimately commissioned its construction.

It wisnae me! Honest. See how I am trying to pass the buck already?

But it would be incredible if the engineers traced that massive power outage to a wee experiment in a kitchen in a flat somewhere in Wick attempting to breathe new life into a motorbike battery… (not for nothing batteries have brand names like Lifeline, Prevailer, Optima, Energizer…).

Alternatively, in the deathly silent pitch black one could imagine how it might all end one day…

An unexpected power cut. No mobile phones, radio, TV, iPad – nothing Apple or Blackberry. A restless mob takes to the streets. Looting in shops for prized designer wear and worldly goods. Willful fire-raising. The police lose control. People panic and attempt a mass exodus in their cars. Traffic jams. Hysteria sets in. The mob turns on the innocents.

Or it could be that day the UFO phenomena made itself truly known to planet earth. Mistaken reports of meteor showers and 1000 falling stars give way to a full-blown alien invasion – Armageddon! The real "breaking bad"!

By the time you read this, assuming the lights are still on, I will have gone west somewhere, anywhere, on my XVS 650. (Its brand name is Drag Star, but given all the power and astronomical metaphors, I am not sure if it’s appropriate to call it that any more.)

Yes, I relented and ordered a new battery. It is being charged, as we speak. I’m outta here before it’s too late.

I might never learn the fate of Cardiff City’s appeal to the FA to make void their defeat against Crystal Palace on the grounds of pre-match espionage.

But all I can say folks is, I am sorry. Sorry if it was me that ruined your Wednesday evening viewing of MasterChef or Monkey Planet or Channel 4’s Secret Eaters.

Once I fit that new battery it’s Warp Factor 9 for me. Blame it on the wind turbines. They were apparently giving it laldy on Wednesday night. See, they do work…


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