I'm a Highland journalist and a recovering addict: this is my story...
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Most people I know look back with longing at their wayward 20s, as if they lived through a Dolly Alderton novel – the raucous partying, tempestuous love life, and general lack of direction is lauded as a rite of passage. But the general chaos isn’t nostalgic for everyone. It certainly isn’t for me.
I spent most of my 20s with an addiction so insidious that if I continued the way I was going, it would have most likely robbed me of the life I am living now and, quite possibly at some point, my life itself.
I was depressed, had suicidal ideations, and I struggled to cope with everyday tasks. I won’t go into what my drug of choice was, but I think it’s important for you to know that it was more than alcohol alone.
I have now been sober for nine months – a small milestone to some, but one that I am increasingly proud of myself for with every day that passes. Why am I telling you this, you might ask? Because any embarrassment I feel about my recovery is overshadowed by the value my story has in helping others.
Recently, I went to a meeting where Addiction Counselling Inverness (ACI) met with MSP Emma Roddick. They explained that they want to help remove the stigma that is placed on those who are in the grips of addiction by encouraging those in positions of power to talk freely about their struggles.
We need to change the way we view addiction, so that people from all walks of life feel able to emerge from the shadows and seek help.
I’m in a job where I have a unique opportunity to start conversations and share stories with a large audience. So I’ve decided to share my own – putting my most vulnerable self out there in the hope that someone, even just one person, may find some comfort and a glimmer of hope.
The most crippling part of my addiction was the shame. I felt like a constant failure. Every night when I went to bed, I would vow that tomorrow would be the day I would stop. I very much wanted to, but the next day would roll around, then the next, and the next... It was overpowering, obsessive and all-encompassing. Many of those who don’t suffer from the disease think that using is a choice – in fact an addict does not have the luxury of choice. It’s an illness of the mind and body.
I came on placement with The Inverness Courier last year from Aberdeen. I had been working in a bar where drugs were rife, and I was stuck. I was offered a job here, and it felt like the solution I was looking for. Suddenly I was pulled from a place I can only describe as a personal hell, and someone reached out a hand to guide me to safety. But it wasn’t the miracle cure I had hoped for. I continued to use. I couldn’t stop. It turns out when you move, you still take you with you.
I was depressed, had suicidal ideations, and I struggled to cope with everyday tasks. I won’t go into what my drug of choice was, but I think it’s important for you to know that it was more than alcohol alone.
One day I listened to a podcast about addiction where they discussed recovery rooms. I logged onto my first meeting online, and I was amazed to find others with the same struggles as me. And they were sober. They had done it. All they told me was ‘keep coming back’, so I did. I spent another two weeks attending these meetings each night and continued to use. But something was changing in me. I heard hope, and I felt less shame. They understood.
Then after a weekend heavily using, on Monday, June 13, 2022, I stopped.
Going sober isn’t just a choice, it’s something I have had to throw my whole being into. I have to practise my recovery every day by going to meetings and keeping in contact with others on the same path. I’ve given up alcohol too, which is also a drug. I live my life 24 hours at a time – if I think about being sober for the rest of my life it’s too overwhelming.
The label ‘drug addict’ carries such a heavy weight of assumptions, but it doesn’t take into consideration that each one is an individual. I have always been a sensitive soul, fragile in this complex and overwhelming world. My first addiction was food, and it just manifested over the years into something more harmful. Addiction has a lot to do with genetics – another thing I found relieving. I’m not a failure. There is part of me that is genetically wired to be the way I am.
If I could drink and party without becoming addicted, that would be great. Unfortunately I can’t. I have an allergy of the mind, and as soon as I put one potentially harmful substance in me, my body reacts in such a way that it wants more.
I would love to live in a world where we could freely talk about our struggles. Not in a self-pitying ‘woe is me way’, but with honesty and bravery. Maybe if we treated addiction with less taboo and more love, then more people would come forward in search of ways to heal. Addiction cuts through every layer of society, it’s not limited to one sector. Right now, Scotland has the highest drugs death rate in Europe. There is radically more that our policy makers could be doing to stop what is nothing short of a crisis that is robbing children of parents, and parents of children.
Maybe if we treated addiction with less taboo and more love, then more people would come forward in search of ways to heal.
I hope that if you’re struggling, you can find some comfort that change is possible. It won’t be easy, but it’s a reality that can be grasped. You are loved, you are not too far gone, and you are not doomed to a life of misery. Reading a story like this possibly could have encouraged me to seek help sooner.
So here I am. Rachel Smart: business journalist and recovering addict… taking a deep breath and hitting ‘publish’.
Where to find help:
- Alcoholics Anonymous
- Narcotics Anonymous
- Cocaine Anonymous
- Marijuana Anonymous
- Drug Addicts Anonymous
- Gamblers Anonymous
- Addiction Counselling Inverness
- If you are the loved one of an addict: Al-Anon and Addiction Counselling Inverness
